FIRST CHRISTMAS GOOSE

Eight years ago, I started writing Christmas stories in lieu of a letter highlighting the previous year of our lives. I am sharing this year's story below. It is the first Christmas story I have written that has much to do with hunting and the first that is completely true:

The boy spent the previous evening wiping down his Crossman pump-action BB gun until it was perfect. He checked and rechecked his tin can of copper BBs to make sure he would have enough for the morning goose hunt. Then he went to bed, but he could not sleep. He had begged his father for months to take him goose hunting. Christmas Eve morning of his ninth year would be his first goose hunt. What a perfect Christmas gift. How could anyone sleep the night before such an adventure? He had heard all the stories, but it was the way in which the adults relived them that intrigued the boy. It was the way his father spent hours preparing for the hunt and then disappeared for even more hours, always returning with the kind of look on his face that the boy understood as satisfaction and joy.

Now it was his turn. On the Christmas Eve morning of his ninth year he would finally get to join his father. He would finally become a hunter.

He watched his breath rise in the frigid, starlit morning as they hiked the mile or so from the Suburban to the goose pit beside the river. His father’s and uncle’s feet crunched through the hard top layer of snow ahead of him. At first, he followed those footsteps but the stride proved too difficult so he ventured to the side where he could actually walk on top of the snow without busting through. Before long, his fingers began to burn with cold and the Crossman felt as if it had grown heavier since they began. But he could not complain. This day he was one of the hunters and to be a hunter meant you endured the long, dark, and cold walk to the goose pit.

As he descended into the goose pit, his father told him to take the middle seat. His father and uncle sat on opposite sides of him. They uncased their shotguns and leaned them into the notched shelf ahead of them. The boy did the same with his BB gun. His father lit one of the propane heaters and placed it in front of the boy who was doing his best to hide the shivering he could not control. Then they sat quietly and waited. The boy had to kneel on the swiveling seat in order to see out from under the decoys which hid the holes they had cut into the sliding lid.

It was too early to see anything yet, but he could hear a few geese chattering from the reserve across the river. He pulled his fingers into the palms of his gloves and his legs occasionally shook, but he could hear the geese and the promise of action warmed him from the inside out. When the morning light that preceded the sunrise cast its soft glow over the river, the boy stretched his neck and took a peek. A light mist hung over the small patch of water that had not yet frozen over. Grayness seemed to suspend the distant and leafless cottonwoods in a moment that defied the limitation of time. It held the memories of the past, the hopes of the future and the truth of the present all within the simplicity of the prairie morning.

Soon the chattering rose to a fervor. His father pointed to his ear signaling him to listen then began staring through the small openings with the kind of focus the boy had never known. There was no mistaking when the geese rose from the reserve. The honks and cackles rose up in unison with thousands of birds as they broke into the sky under a massive burst of wings that left the boy in awe. As the geese gained altitude and began to fly toward them, he prayed some of them would turn in to the decoys his father and uncle had set.

His ears began to ring with the fervent honking his father and uncle were imitating with their calls. He stared through small opening as small flocks of Canada geese flew over and circled so low he could actually hear their wings beating against the wind.

After the third time around, the geese set their wings and his dad pulled the call away from his lips. “Wait,” he said. “Wait.” Then, “Take em!”

The lid slid back along its rollers and the hunters rose up. The boy jumped to his feet and raised his BB gun. The geese dug their wings against the air, now aware they had been duped and for a moment, time paused.

Then the air filled with shotgun blasts and reeling birds and feathers and the scent of burning powder. Despite it all, instinct took over. The boy was part of the hunt—a part of something natural and pure. He felt alive. He focused on a bird at the edge of the flock and let a single copper BB fly.

Somehow, the goose he was aiming at dropped and landed with a thud on the frozen ground. And then his father and uncle did something that ignited a fire in him that would last the rest of his life. They let him believe. That goose was his. He had shot it. He had become one of them.

Then, to prove they were sure he had shot it, they let him retrieve it and told him he would have to clean it himself. Of course, his mother wanted the Christmas goose to be plucked—and they honored him by letting his be the Christmas goose.

The boy spent an hour digging feathers from the warm breast of that goose and it was then when he started to understand that though hunting was exciting and fun and decent, it was also hard and it was serious. He began to understand that life and death were inseparable and that to deny his part in it would be like denying who he was and where he came from. Most importantly, he began to understand his father. That day he learned something intimate about the man who raised him. He learned there was a fire in his dad’s heart and by simply sharing his passion with his son, by taking him goose hunting, he had passed that fire on.

Thirty-three years later on the Christmas Eve of his forty-second year, the boy now struggling to become just a fraction of the man his father was, stared into an empty chair. It was the first Christmas without him. And like had happened after that first Christmas goose, his life would never be quite the same.

He stared at the empty chair and then at a nearby nativity. He thought about the very first Christmas and about the great sacrifices a Father is willing to endure for His children. He thought about the mystery of suffering. He thought about the strength of faith. He thought about the true meaning of love. He thought about how much he misunderstood the gifts he had been given and he thought about the final lasting gift his father had given him. Hope. And he prayed for the wisdom and the strength to pass the fire of Faith, Hope, and Love on to his own children.

SIMPLY BEING THERE

It was my daughter's first deer hunt and the November Arctic blast had me wondering if I was crazy to bring an eleven-year-old girl into the woods when wind chills were below zero. I told myself the pop-up blind would help keep the elements at bay. I told myself that it would be a good lesson to her that hunting was not always comfortable. Mostly, I told myself that she had been begging for months and this was one of the few days we had to spend in the field together.

As we sat in the blind, I saw the hope in her eyes as she watched the trees for movement. I saw the excitement she felt for being able to share a moment with her father doing something she knew he had always enjoyed. I saw that despite her cold fingers and toes, she had no desire to be anywhere else.

I thought about how my father had introduced me to hunting in a goose blind. I thought about the lessons my kids would learn just by spending time outdoors. I thought about how hunting allowed them to become a true part of the natural world God created beyond the deafening clatter of civilization.

I thought about the way a sunset could teach her about humility. I thought about how the cold and lack of action could teach her about will power. I thought about how studying the deepening shadows of the woods searching for a deer could teach her about focus. There were so many lessons my daughter could learn in the woods. Lessons that would stay with her for the rest of her life.

By sharing this experience with her, I could share myself with her without every uttering a word. My hope is that when she steps into the freshness of a new morning, she will want to face the day the same way I did. When she sees a buck walk by almost close enough for her to touch it she will know the fear and excitement and awe that I knew when I saw my first buck up close. When she gives everything to the day behind her, she will know the satisfaction of a day well-lived regardless if any preconceived goal was attained. And one day, when she sees the eyes of her own children light up when they hunt their first deer, she will understand how deeply I love her.

She will not know these things because I told her, but because she was able to experience them, to feel them in her soul and know that a part of me will always be with her. If she remembers that part of me maybe I can believe I did something right.

We did not say much to each other and we only saw a single doe run across a distant field that evening, but I will remember that hunt for the rest of my life. And when she begged to go out again the next day, I knew she would remember it as well.

GRATITUDE

The other day I was watching my young son playing indoor baseball. He pitched in the game and did well. He had a nice hit into right center field. He fielded the ball well. Most of all, he had fun. It gave me great pleasure to watch him succeed, to do well and to give himself fully to the moment he was in. As his father, my focus centered on my son, but I glanced around at the other parents in the bleachers. Many of them watched their sons with that same raptured stare that I figured was on my face at times. It gave us great pleasure to watch our children because we love them. Because we are their dads and moms.

                So what does this have to do with hunting or with God? Well, a few days later, I found myself sitting in the frigid wind waiting for a deer to walk by. I was shivering and wiggling my toes trying to keep them warm when I thought about my boy playing ball. I thought about how I enjoyed that moment almost as much as he did simply because he was my child.  I had also seen him miss a few pitches and swing at a high ball and I saw the disappointment on his face when he made a bad throw to first. In those moments, I felt for him. It’s just baseball isn’t it? I’m not sure it is.

                As I sat there waiting, hoping that a buck might slip into the open I wondered or maybe realized God was watching me with a father’s love in a similar way in which we watch our children. I wondered if he allowed me to be a dad so I could get a tiny glimpse of how He felt about me. Baseball matters. Hunting matters. Every moment matters because God is watching us with pure love. He wants us to live in the moment. He feels our disappointment. His love aches when we hurt ourselves with sin. For a moment, I felt a deep sense of regret for the too many times I had disappointed Our Father. Then, I realized that He still loved me, the way I would love my child no matter what. I realized that to know you are loved is to know peace.

                I did not see a deer that day, but I realized how grateful I should have been for the moment. How grateful we should be for each moment. So on this Thanksgiving Day, I am grateful for my family. I am grateful that Our Father loves us in every moment. I am grateful He loves us so much that He gave His only Son, that He gave Himself. I am grateful that love requires sacrifice, because it is in sacrifices big and small that we can begin to discover how much we are really loved.


Happy Thanksgiving

A TINY SEED

During the third hour of shivering in sub-zero degree wind chills, a flock of sparrows landed in a nearby tree. I had been watching two squirrels chase each other up and down those leafless branches an hour earlier. I watched the squirrels, but failed to really see the tree until the sparrows sat perched in its gnarly branches calling into the frigid winter afternoon. I had not seen a deer, but the tree suddenly intrigued me.

What came to me was not something I did not already know. It was not particularly profound, but it was exactly what I needed at the moment. It was like reading a familiar Bible passage for the tenth time and it suddenly speaks so plainly and directly to you that it is like you are reading it for the first time.

I stared at the big black walnut tree and then glanced around at all the other trees--some of them black walnuts, some of them other species. At a quick glance they all look alike, but a mere quick inspection reveals how unique each one of them is. My first thought was the amazing creativity of each one. I noticed each one had knots and different imperfections. I noticed some of them had broken branches and a few were toppled over.

I realized how each tree as it grows develops at a different pace, undergoes different hardships, and has to battle the elements in slightly different ways. I marveled that each one of these creations started from a single seed that sprouted roots. Those roots then discovered their way into the earth's foundation. I realized that the roots of each individual tree must be strong and solidified in good soil to withstand the wind and the storms and the harsh winters in order to come back stronger the next spring. Then, if the tree continues to grow and mature maybe it can produce a seed that, with help, may find the right soil and the right conditions and someday sprout a root which may find a solid foundation. Then after many springs and winters it may one day rise to great heights where birds and squirrels may find rest.

I did eventually see a deer that day. It passed beneath the big black walnut tree then passed within five steps of my location--a makeshift blind inside shallow ditch. After I sat in awe of one of God's other marvelous creatures, my focus returned to the walnut tree. I noticed its knots and its imperfections and its broken branches and its low branches that been cut off to open a shooting lane. Maybe it was in just those imperfections that God considered the tree perfect and unique.

For a moment, as I stared I wondered if I was looking more at a mirror than at a tree. And I wondered if God not only loved me despite my imperfections but because of them.  I wondered if He allowed the winter  and the wind and the storms to help shape my imperfections precisely because He loves me. And I realized that even if I may do my best to break away from His soil or shudder when a bird comes to find rest, that He still loves me and He will allow me to grow and maybe someday even  allow me to plant one of His seeds.

Despite the sub-zero wind chills of that afternoon, I felt warm.

YESTERDAY'S WHISPERS

“Where are all the villagers?” I asked.

“They left,” Nick said. “A man was killed by a lion and it is a bad omen to stay in a village where that happened.”

I stared at the eerie scene and tried to picture a man being dragged away from these grass huts by a lion. Did he scream? Did the lion enter his hut? It would have been easy. There were no doors and the huts were smaller than most backyard sheds back home. I could not even imagine it.

There were ten to twelve huts in all built by straw and sticks and placed with a fifteen to twenty yard radius between them. They were the color of bare oak trees in winter. We had seen three other similar villages that week. All of them were active with singing and smiling and running children who rushed toward us and were so grateful for a simple piece of candy and the meat our hunting would supply to them. Some of the women stared at us with what appeared distrust, but most smiled and waved. The trackers and skinners and other camp staff, men I had come to respect and trust in a short few days, lived in these villages. But not that one. An emptiness you could almost grasp but never understand filled that place.

“Where did they go?” I asked.

Nick spoke briefly with the trackers for a few moments, then turned and looked back toward the village. “This was a very tragic story,” he said. “The villagers have very few possessions and are always prepared to leave at a moments notice. But this man who was killed was married and his wife was then considered cursed as well. She was not allowed to go with the villagers. She stayed in her husband's hut and the lion came back.” Nick’s voice wavered. He had been a hard man. He had fought in the Rhodesian War and had lost more than he could bring himself to discuss but he had a genuine love for the Zambia he now called home and the people who lived there.

“So that’s it?" I asked. "A man is killed by a lion and then his wife is condemned to the same fate?”

“The authorities were eventually informed, but it is a twenty-five hour drive to here from the nearest town. They sent out a truck full of men with machine guns who killed a few lions and called it taken care of. The whole thing is tragic." Nick paused for a moment before adding, "It is Africa.”

That scene had taken place during my first trip to Africa fifteen years ago. I had gone there as a hunter and to have an adventure. I had been even more naïve about the world than I am now. We left that abandoned village and I continued on with that unmatched adventure. I did not even say a prayer that day. And it would be quite some time before I would even try to hear God beyond the thoughts of me. I was not even asking the difficult questions about suffering and love. 

I experienced some truly amazing things in Zambia during those three weeks and I remember them all, but as I sit here it is that moment, when I was staring at dust blowing ghost stories through a place time had not invaded that seems most imprinted in my thoughts these fifteen years later. I did not know it then, but God was speaking to me. I do not pretend to know what He was saying, but I believe a part of it was—“Wake up! Listen. You are not the center of the world."

Maybe now He is reminding me that He has always been there whispering and waiting for me to recognize His voice. Maybe someday I will understand better the message of the whispers permeating all the moments of our lives: "I Am here. You are loved and it will be okay."

Why are we so afraid to listen?

LITTLE THINGS

As I climbed up into the southeast tree stand something did not feel quite right. The stand rests upon a spindle of a tree which sways back and forth whenever the breeze breaks above ten miles per hour. It was a steady fifteen that evening. I have never been a big fan of heights, but the advantages of getting up into a tree for deer hunting gives me the proper incentive to face the fears I can usually avoid. After strapping in, I started to pull my bow up with the small cord I had attached to it. Apparently I had not attached it very well. After raising it only a few feet, the bow fell to the ground.

I sat there for a moment feeling uncomfortable in the swaying tree. I stared down at the bow, and then looked out through the tree line to the nearby corn field. I could climb down and retrieve the bow. I could hike to another tree stand. I could just stay in the stand I was in and just enjoy the moment without worrying about the bow. But what if a monster buck walked by?

I remembered a buck I shot a few years ago after descending two trees and “happening” to find a tree to stand beside when the biggest whitetail I had ever shot stepped into the only shooting lane possible and stopped fifteen feet away. Now I do not believe in coincidences and I believe God cares about us in the little things just like in the big things—our existence does not even make sense otherwise. So if it wasn’t for God, I would have never been in the so-called right place at the so-called right time. I also remembered a bible passage that had been on my mind for a few weeks:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the Lord. As high as the heavens are above the earth so are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts. Isaiah 55:8-9

I had been stressed about an upcoming project and my thoughts were not particularly focused on hunting. As I stared into that cornfield wondering if a big buck might be hiding among the stalks, I realized that maybe I had not actually come to the woods for hunting. Maybe I had come for clarity or to find a bit of peace.

I did climb out of that swaying tree and I did pick up my bow and I did go find a spot to sit on the ground and wait. But I spent most of the evening staring up into the canopy of leaves and the flickering of lights piercing through them. I sat and listened to the breeze and the leaves and even a plane flying overhead. After some time, I could hear that quiet voice inside my soul. It did not say anything. It did not have to. I just needed to be reminded that I was not alone, that I was loved, and that He cared.

 

WHY DO I HUNT? PART 2

That kind of question could fill libraries. Why? Because it has unlimited answers. Each person who takes to the field to pursue game has a different reason for being there. Sure there are all the common reasons, the thrill of the chase, the camaraderie, the desire to fill the freezer with fresh meat, the satisfaction of a hard day fulfilled… the list can go on and on. But beneath all those good and adequate reasons is something deeper, something as unique as every human heart. I believe it is in the outdoors, immersed in creation undisturbed, where our relationships often find the nourishment they so desperately need in our fast-paced world. And make no mistake, it is our relationships that give meaning to our lives.

We are meant to love. We are designed to find joy in love. And yet we take so little time to explore it in our daily lives. I too often fail to give my family the time and attention and gratitude they deserve. I too often fail to give God the same things He most assuredly deserves. But when I head to the woods and spend an hour or two beside a creek or a pond, I can begin to hear the whispers of that quiet voice within me that wishes to be heard. And it is precisely at those times when my relationships grow. Sometimes, my daughters, my son, or my wife are with me. Sometimes they are not, but those relationships grow just the same.

I was once told that God is found in communion. That statement has so many possibilities.  As a Catholic there is the obvious Eucharistic meaning for me. But there is also the kiss I share with my wife, the hug I share with my children, the first goose hunt I shared with my father, the understanding I share with the Cameroon Duru tribesman as we stalk an eland, a quiet sunset on the Nebraska prairie, the moment a four-year old buck steps out of the shadows. These are all part of finding God in communion for me. And when you find God in communion your relationship with Him can grow and when that happens all your other relationships will make a little more sense.

I am not sure I really answered the question or if I ever truly will, but I guess my maybe I hunt because I value my relationships. My relationships with the land, with the animals, with strangers, with neighbors, with enemies, with friends, with family, and with God. Is hunting the only way to enhance and grow these relationships? Of course not, but for someone who loves adventure and loves meat and loves God and tries to love others, it just makes sense.

Besides, hunting is the most honest relationship with nature I have ever had.

WHY DO I HUNT?

When someone finds out you are a hunter there is usually one of few reactions. Some of these include excitement, indifference, curiosity, and sometimes anger. I wonder, was it always this way? I doubt it. But because we live in times when people have very effectively walled themselves away from the natural world, we sometimes encounter others with differing opinions. That is okay and even when they get angry, even when they hate me; I have to remind myself that I am not perfect and that love is far more powerful than hate.  

All these reactions prompted me to ask myself a question. Why do I hunt?

 

I began as a boy in rural Nebraska hunting geese and pheasants on the plains. From there I encountered deer and other big game. Back then I never asked myself such questions. Back then it was just a part of who we were. Now I ask myself that question a lot. I am not the same boy of yesterday. Part of that boy still remains, but I have a lifetime of experiences, misfortunes, mistakes, and relationships that have formed and are forming who I am now and who I will become.  Mostly, it is my growing relationship with God that influences who I want to become—though I am still so far away from that person. Yet I have found that the only way for me to work toward becoming the man I want to be is to work on my relationship with our Father.

So, what does this have to do with why I hunt?

I guess part of why I hunt now is because of those places where the birds and deer and antelope lead me--those places where I am quiet enough to hear the still voice within me that is not me at all.

There are so many good reasons why I hunt and some I have yet to discover, but most of all I hunt because it is who I am and because it gives me a chance to work on the most important of relationships.